WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
bad news gang
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”