Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.