My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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i was baptized in a car wash
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
No Google it does not
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
this is uni
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
No, he would not have.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls