Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.