Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Cheers Twitter.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.