My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.