Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.