Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.