Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.