I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.