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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
True?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.