I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
You Might Also Like
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep