My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record