Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Food gives you energy to nap more.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display