Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.