Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
#milo
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.