Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
then why did i get this email
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?