WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
You Might Also Like
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Tell the colonel to bring it
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’