After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”