Is anyone gonna tell them?
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Just grow your own
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*sewing*
A thread
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
This cat wants you to take your pills
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert