My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.