Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
the #horror is real!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Thinking about Jeff
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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