After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse