My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My good tweets are in my other pants.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still