[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Care for your back
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Breaking news:
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park