Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”