Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m putting together a team
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
President The Rock Obama
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.