“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
i think both sides are to blame here
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.