My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now