Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Going into Monday like
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
So inspired right now.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”