holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.