Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it