GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A friend sent me this.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Brands during Pride
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.