I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
eggs benadryl
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…