3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
These 3D printers are insane!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory