Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
You Might Also Like
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie