I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
You Might Also Like
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.