Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.