I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea