Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
kitchen magnet
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”