I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
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which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
These aliens are taking forever.
Room with a view.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.