sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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I cannot call her anything else now
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions