72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m having an out of money experience.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”