After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The three genders.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.