Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.