Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.