For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
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Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off