Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My current situation
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
my professor scared me for a second
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.