marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Simple
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
How to draw a duck
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*