Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My blood type is coffee.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child